Yesterday was quite a difficult and emotionally confusing day for me in many ways. I felt pretty low the whole day due to several reasons; first of all we had some issues between me and H and second because I felt again really bad about being here. This emotional roller coaster doesn’t seem to be ending! I have never felt so messed up emotionally as I’ve felt now during my time here.

Yesterday evening I started to read Sophie Morgan’s book The Diary of a Submissive and quite surprisingly the book got me turned on a bit. Even though I wrote here about the return of my sexual desire, that didn’t last for long. I think I felt like it because back then I was about to see H very soon. However, I haven’t felt that sexual lately…before last night. The book was talking about spanking and I naturally started to think about H and him spanking me. I had fresh and good memories from a mind-blowing spanking session so why not to think more about it! I was happily surprised that I got those kind of feelings after a long time and I started to feel like touching myself, which was quite surprising too!

I continued both reading and thinking about H and at one point I decided that I will put the book aside and will concentrate only on thinking about him and touching myself at the same time. Usually I should always ask for H’s permission before doing anything, but this time I didn’t do it. It was very late and I was pretty sure that he was already asleep and I felt that I really needed it so I decided to just go for it without his permission. I thought that he might actually think that it is only a good thing if I do so and that he won’t be disappointed at me. Well, I went for it and it felt very good! I went on and on and I felt that I was very close to come. As I didn’t have H’s permission to touch myself, I naturally didn’t have his permission to come either. However, I had decided that I wanna go until the end, if I feel like it. I was already very close to the moment of coming when I felt that I just can’t come. What happened instead was that I bursted out crying and a lot of tears just came out! 

I was just crying for a while and when I started to calm down, I wrote a text to H telling everything that had just happened. As I guessed, he was already asleep and he replied to me early in the morning. He said that it was ok and that he is just happy about anything that makes me feel good. He also said that now I’m allowed to both touch myself and to come freely until he says otherwise, but I should always let him know when that happens. As I said, this was the reaction that I expected from him, but still it felt very good to read that message from him saying that. He’s always just so amazing and so good to me and his support to me during these difficult times means the world to me. I love him so much! 


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