Sad but grateful

Time seems to run double speed when we are together with H. I was back at home for five days last week and now it’s the time again when our time together came to an end for a while. I came back ‘home’ late last night and leaving away from him was heartbreaking.

I’m a very emotional and sensitive person and when it comes to things like these, my whole body reacts to them. I felt so sad and miserable that I had to leave and I still do. Leaving away from him hurts like crazy and yesterday when travelling back many many hours, I had a hard time to hold my tears and sadness. As H said in his previous post, lovers are not meant to be apart like this. That is just so true, and we are lovers with big L. My place is next to him, not being apart from him.

It felt quite strange to be back at home, but then again our time together was lovely and it was also very nice to have a touch of our normal life back for a few days. But when we are together, I always start to think a little bit about how many days we have still left, which naturally makes me sad and it even affects our time together to some extent. This time I noticed that at times I even misbehaved around him as a reaction of being sad and affected about that thought. That isn’t naturally acceptable and that really is something that I should pay more attention to. Now it even caused some very unnecessary and unintentional arguments between us that could have been easily avoided, if I had behaved smarter. I guess I cannot do anything else but to try to learn from these situations.

Now it feels extremely difficult to get back into my life here. I feel just so empty and I miss him in a way that it hurts. Yesterday and today I was thinking that this feeling is in a way similar to a feeling as if I would have lost someone. That is partly true, because I cannot have him around in my everyday life. However, my longing for him is positive in the end and I should always remember that when it feels hard. I feel like this because I love him so much and he is the one with whom I want to be with. It’s also good to remember that in less than three months we are together again and then I’m not going anywhere :) Besides that we already made some new travel plans when we were together and we are going to meet in 3,5 weeks next time. My clock is already ticking, but time seems to be very slow for those who wait.

I often think how lucky I am to be with H and I feel very very grateful about that. Not everyone has that someone special. I really hope that he sees and feels how much I love and care for him. Sometimes I feel that saying I love you doesn’t even tell half of it what I feel for him. He is so loving and caring to me and we have such a lovely, healthy and happy relationship. He is also very funny and careless and he always makes me laugh – I love that. These are reasons, amongst others, why I want to be nothing else but the best good girl for him.

Even though it hurts and feels bad at the moment, I can still think how perfect things are and how blessed I really am for having all this.


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